Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Downton Abbey – The Lost Episode


CARSON: Might I have a word, milord?
LORD GRANTHAM: Can't it wait?
CARSON [looking at wristwatch]:
I'm sorry to bother you, milord,
but it's gone noon, and it appears
that the First World War has just
come to an end.
LORD GRANTHAM: That's marvelous
news, Carson, particularly for our
boys at the front. War is a tiresome
business, particularly when it
leads to bloodshed. A human life
is a precious thing, Carson.
CARSON: Indeed so, milord.
[Prepares to exit.]
LORD GRANTHAM: One moment,
Carson. You mentioned the First
World War. I trust you did not
mean to imply that a second may
be on the way?
CARSON [looking at wristwatch]:
Indeed, milord, I regret to say that
Mr. Churchill has just this minute
announced the commencement
of a Second World War.
LORD GRANTHAM: That's terrible
news, Carson, particularly for our
boys at the front.
DOWAGER COUNTESS: One has
barely grown acclimatised to the
First World War-and now they tell
one that a second is on the way!
CARSON: This telegram has just
arrived for you, milord.
LORD GRANTHAM
[opening telegram]: The
good news, Mother, is that the
Second World War is drawing to a
close. Mr. Churchill himself has
just been good enough to send me
this telegram. He says that Herr
Hitler has committed suicide
In a bunker.
DOWAGER COUNTESS: A bunker?
I find that very common!
CARSON: Might I have a word,
milord?
LORD GRANTHAM: Can't it wait,
Carson?
CARSON: This telegram has just
arrived, milord. I considered that
you might wish to apprise yourself
of its contents.
LORD GRANTHAM: You considered
wisely, Carson. [Opens telegram.]
Bad news, I'm afraid, Carson.
I would ask you to assemble
the household staff this minute.
Far better that they should hear
the dreadful news from me.
[Household staff assemble with
anxious looks on their/aces.]
LORD GRANTHAM: Terrible news,
I'm afraid. I know it will come as a
dreadful blow to all of you. I don't
know how to put this b-b-but ... the
Beatles have decided to go their
separate ways.
DAISY: You mean they've split up?!
MRS. HUGHES: Daisy! Mind your
language!
DAISY: Sorry, Mrs. Hughes, I
meant nothing by it! It's the shock!
MRS. PATMORE: There, there,
Daisy. Dry those eyes!
LORD GRANTHAM: It is never
pleasant when a popular
singing combo decides to part
company. That these four
doughty Liverpudlians meet
with considerable success in the
separate careers upon which they
have embarked is the best for
which we can hope.
THOMAS [under his breath]: Not
me. It's Yoko I like.
CARSON: Might I have a word,
milord?
LORD GRANTHAM: Can't it wait,
Carson?
CARSON: Word has
just come through,
milord, that the
British forces have
Successfully recaptured the
Falkland Islands.
I thought you would want to
know, milord.
LORD GRANTHAM: Excellent news,
Carson. In the fullness of time,
it should do much to restore our
national morale.
THOMAS [under his breath]: Not
for me it won't. I was backing
General Galtieri.
CARSON: More coffee, milord?
LORD GRANTHAM [reading
newspaper]: Thank you, Carson.
[Reflects.] Coffee is a warm, dark
beverage much favoured at
breakfast. [Catches sight of
headline.] Good heavens! Bad
news, everyone! A major
earthquake is expected!
CARSON: More
coffee, milady?
LADY GRANTHAM:
Thank you, Carson.
Wheresofore do they say this
earthquake might occur, Robert?
LORD GRANTHAM: Let me see.
[Studies newspaper.] Oh no! I
cannot believe it!
CARSON: More coffee, Lady Mary?
LORD GRANTHAM: Dash it, Carson,
this is no time for coffee. Be so
good as to summon the
household staff at your earliest
convenience! [Household staff•
assemble with anxious looks on
their faces.]
LORD GRANTHAM: There is no cause
for alarm, but it says here that a
major earthquake is due-good
Lord!-"in the next few minutes."
Apparently it will occur "at
Downton Abbey, the historic
stately home of the Earl of
Grantham."
DOWAGER COUNTESS: An
earthquake! At Downton!
The presumption of it!
THOMAS [under his breath]:
I like earthquakes.
O'BRIEN [under her breath]: Me, too.
CARSON: More coffee,
Mrs. Crawley?
MRS. CRAWLEY: I might never
have another chance to say this.
Before this earthquake kills us all,
I want everyone to know: I love
you, Carson, and I'm expecting
your baby!
LORD GRANTHAM [putting on
spectacles]: My apologies, everyone.
It appears I have misread! It
doesn't say "earthquake" at all. In
fact, it says "flower show."
THOMAS [under his breath]: Shame.
I hate flowers.
O'BRIEN [under her breath]:
Me, too.


Lost screenplay by Craig Brown
Vanity Fair, April 2013.

1 comment:

Sandi said...

What? Nothing about Diana's car crash in Paris?? ;-) Fantastic, Alvin! Love it.