by Kate MurphyWhy do you immediately click with some people while others just as inexplicably turn you off? Do people emit vibes? Is it possible to read a room? Are bad habits contagious?
Kate Murphy, author of the international bestseller You’re Not Listening, answers these and other fascinating questions in Why We Click, the first book that explores the emerging science and outsize impact of interpersonal synchrony, the most consequential social dynamic most people have never heard of. Interpersonal synchrony is the seemingly magical, yet now scientifically documented, tendency of human beings to fall into rhythm and find resonance with one another.
Not only do we subconsciously match one another’s movements, postures, facial expressions, and gestures; recent breakthroughs in technology have revealed we also sync up our heart rates, blood pressure, brainwaves, pupil dilation, and hormonal activity. The result is that emotions, moods, attitudes, and subsequent behaviors can be as infectious as any disease, and can have just as profound an impact on our health and well-being.
Interweaving science, philosophy, literature, history, business management theory, pop-culture, and plenty of relatable, real world examples, Why We Click explains why being “in sync,” “in tune,” “in step,” and “on the same wavelength” are more than just turns of phrase. From the bedroom to the boardroom and beyond, Murphy reveals with characteristic curiosity, concision, and wit how our instinct to sync with others drives much of our behavior and how our deepest desires―to be known, admired, loved, and connected―are so often thwarted in modern life.
Discussion Questions
1. Can you think of instances when you immediately clicked with someone or were perhaps turned off or got a bad vibe? How did reading about interpersonal synchrony change the way you think about how we form these kinds of instantaneous feelings and impressions?
2. Are there people in your life who are "hard to be around versus "easy to be around"? Did the book make you more aware of how people affect you not only emotionally but also physiologically?
3. Do you feel things or do things around certain people that you don't do ordinarily? How might interpersonal synchrony explain that?
4. What joint activities or shared experiences make you feel "at one" with those around you? Singing at church? Walking or running with others? Dancing? Attending political rallies, performances, or lectures? Watch an eclipse?
5. Have you ever been swept up in the emotions of other people, on- or offline?
6. Have you ever fallen out of sync with someone? Did the book give you a deeper understanding of why that might have happened and why it isn't necessarily a bad thing?
7. Can people "fake" being in sync, or is true connection always authentic and involuntary?
8. Have you ever walked into a room and felt a weird vibe? Did you later find out why things seemed "off"?
9. Chapter 3 focuses on the bad apple effect. Have you experienced a "bad apple" or felt someone's negative energy in a workplace or social setting? What was that person's impact on the collective mood and functioning of the group?
10. Can you think of people who are "good apples" who tend to leave you feeling energized and upbeat or perhaps make you feel more relaxed or calm?
11. If moods and attitudes are contagious, what responsibility do we have to manage our own energy whether at work, out with friends, or at home with our families?
12. What structural changes or leadership strategies beyond simply avoiding or removing bad apples might mitigate the spread of "toxic vibes" in a group?
13. Chapter 7, "Don't Over-Sync It," addresses our tendency to mirror others' emotions to you experienced this "over-syncing" phenomenon? What specific strategies did you learn in the book that might help you avoid getting sucked into someone else's emotional vortex?
14. Do you think our desire to connect is thwarted by modern life? How does technology - texting, video calls, social media - affect our ability to synchronize with others?
15. The book explores how synchronization can give the illusion of telepathy or mind reading ("I wd just thinking about you"). Have you ever experienced an uncanny coincidence or developed what turned out to be an eerily accurate hunch about someone?
16. How might you apply what you learned in the book to build stronger or more meaningful connections in your professional and/or personal life?
17. Have you ever had a parasocial relationship with a fictional, famous, or historical figure? How book changed the way you think about such imaginary attachments?
18. Are you in sync with your pet? What emotional and physiological effect do you have on your pet and vice versa?
19. How do you feel when you are in nature? How might the human instinct to sync explain your feelings?
20. Have you or anyone you've known ever felt an almost humanlike affection for (or even named) a car or boat? Did the book give you insight into such anthropomorphism?
Journalist Kate Murphy's eclectic essays and articles for The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, The Economist, Agence France-Presse, and Texas Monthly have been shared and commented on by millions. She is known for her fresh and accessible style and ability to distill complex subjects, particularly the science behind human interactions. Her first book, You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters, was published in thirty-two languages and has become required reading in interpersonal communication courses at high schools, colleges, and universities worldwide. Kate lives in Houston, Texas, and holds a commercial pilot’s license.
Celadon Books
ISBN-13: 978-1250352453
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